back to basics...

same old PA , chem , maths and physics books conquer the study table again. there cannot be more a boring and repulsive notion - RESITTING... when private unis are outta the question and the only option has always been public uni , all regret settles in when rejection slaps hard... sometimes life throws you curve balls , but does it have to be all the time ?? ... when will the " silver lining" of my cloud actually shine , or does my cloud even have one ...

continued...

now i know in my last post , i said that i'd just remain as friends with her and nothing more but its HARD!!!! things have gone from bad to worse .. we don't talk as much anymore , sometimes hardly even see each other . and when we do , there's always something or someone there that gets in the way of us making some decent conversation... i miss her alot.. i dont even know if there will be a ray of hope after " the wait " is over .. would i have moved on to someone else ?? i've stayed loyal for this long , almost 8 months and another 10 months is just unbearable especially when there's someone else in the picture , miss funny ... miss funny makes me laugh alot and she's really pretty , but somehow or rather i just don't seem to be attracted to her that much .. sometimes i wish i cud fast forward to the future and see. see if someday , there wud be an " us " ... and if there wasn't , i cud just stop trying and put this behind me and move on. to miss funny perhaps .. i can appreciate an attempt or two at making me laugh.. :)

Letting go..

it's amazing how time flies and even more amazing how people change with time . less than a year ago i enrolled in form 6 and realised soon enough it was no picnic . its the hardest battle yet and i know the best strategy is CONSISTENCY. but things are always easier said ( or in this case typed out) than done aren't they . i aimed for the stars but my feet barely left the ground. i was not doing enough , still am not . but with the new year's arrival , it marked a new beginning for my new goals . this time for real i hope . but before i embark on this new journey ahead, there will be junk that needs to be cleared from my closet.
firstly, i will have to say goodbye to HER. the hardest decision i have to make but its for the best , i'm sure . some ppl believe they can have it all . i believed in it . still want to but life doesn't always work that way. i know they say that the best things appear when you least expect them to but i've had too much expectations last year. i expected her to like me but i guess i was expecting too much. she's so beautiful , i dont think i even deserve something so precious . it would be like looking at the star and wishing for it to fall down upon me and be mine forever. unrealistic, i know. they told me to wait for her till i'm done with my exams. but can this heart wait that long? can this soul endure the pain stoically? i'm not sure... i'm too afraid to answer this question myself . someone wise told me if i wanted to get over her , i'd have to start by erasing all the messages in my inbox. i'd rather feel physical pain than go through the pain of deleting her history. i can't erase the memories that we had . the laughs , the joy and even the tears . i've seen it all and wanted it all . still wish for it but do not expect it anymore. i shall just be friends with her . " if you love someone , you gotta let them go , if they come back , they're yours to keep " wise guy - jan 3rd , 4-ish a.m... this phrase struck me like a bolt of lightnin. if i were to let you go , would you come back ? would it be too late when and if u did ? would i have found someone else then??? this heart holds no answers but only more questions. the future holds the answers to these questions . a future full of uncertainty. i have faith , i have hope . all i need is a that bit of faith and hope to cling on to as it helps me move on and look toward a better future always. many have said that she's not interested . i guess she isn't as the signs are quite clear but i've fallen into this trap and it's hard to get out now. i'm suffocating but i deny and choose to ignore this fire burning deep down inside to just run up to her and say what needs to be said . but it just seems so overrated . there's so much at stake and i'm not willing to lose her friendship for a fantasy in my mind . i have to make a decision today. i wish i had more time to ponder over this but i just can't afford to spend anymore time thinking about this. once school reopens , i'll have to be focusing all my effort and time on studying and not this dilemma......
FIRST MAJOR DECISION OF 09'- stay as friends but will not delete her messages yet. will wait for the right time before i do...
a lot has been written for today.. the mind will sleep tonight to face tmr's challenges.